There is a question deep in the back of my mind that occasionally comes up, Did I fail? Did I learn all I could about my sons cancer, did I go to the right people, did I go to enough people, should I have chosen a different doctor, should we have gone to St Judes?
I tend to beat myself up about this. After Julian relapsed I began researching again like a manic, I had researched all along, but this was a crazy level of research.
I discovered some articles and reports I had somehow missed when Julian was diagnosed, from a doc at St Judes. After reading them I was sick, testing medulloblastoma at dx for intenisty potential, severe cases go directly to stem cell replacement treatment.
Don’t know how I missed that, its huge. Might have changed our entire plan…
I have been told many times, you are an awesome dad, You did the best you could, It wouldn’t have made a difference, etc
But i have never felt that way. I will always wonder why I didn’t know about that article, why the docs didn’t tell me, and if it would have made a difference
We chose not to go to St Judes in a moment of blind wisdom. We were afraid that if we went the family would have been split for too long, and if Julian didn’t “make it” it would be even tougher split apart. Being all together through it was a blessing. So maybe regardless it was the right decision.
But I never asked God for guidance on this, just to make him well.
So did I fail? Some day the answer will be revealed to me, Until then I do live with deep regret.